I could’ve never told you. If I rewound time and I asked my past self, sitting behind my little, entitled desk of accomplishment,
“What would life be like if you became unemployed?”
I would’ve stared back with a shit-eating grin on my face and exclaimed loudly,
“Wellll, I don’t know about unemployment, but I’d certainly give up my cubicle for a little R&R on the beach! And don’t worry, our main man Obama is workin’ on it, I can tell ya that much!”
Before you prepare the noose, I have an announcement.
To my past self, you are naive.
For most of you with your “jobbies”, the idea of doing nothing all day sounds like the world’s best vacation.
But being unemployed is unpredictable and certainly has its ups and downs. And to an unemployed, bi-polar, Olympic skier, I would imagine those ups and downs to be of dangerous, teeth-shattering proportions (consult a local physician before touching a skier).
But one thing is for sure. You may get a little case of cabin fever. And at times, stare at a picture of Emilio Estevez for 3 hours without knowing why. (I know why)
Besides, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy… and makes Jack repress his negative emotions resulting in a work-related, wide-spread shooting. Now do you want that? I didn’t think so.
Here are the 10 stages of unemployment according to what I, and my friends, have experienced, so that one day, you too can understand the every day suffering of the unemployed common man (or in this case, toaster).
1. It’s over.
And you either did this:
You’re either running to the door crying or happier than you’ve ever been. But you did it. Whatever you didn’t like about your job, you will never have to do again.
Get back to work??
More like getting back to plowing your wife?! (Reaction from guy #2)
You are fresh off the market. You’re going to start your own company, make a billion dollars and every company in town will want your business. This is the best thing that has ever happened.
“I’ve got wayyyyy too much to do. Nobody’s hiring anyway. A video just popped up on my Instagram of a grizzly bear hula hooping. I have to Google on my phone if that’s legal after my haircut. Did I mention my laptop is broken? Doesn’t matter anyway, it has all my old resumes on it.”
“I’m too hungover. I’m not hungover enough. I have to binge watch every series show on Netflix so I can catch up with what my friends were talking about seven years ago because let’s face it, you failed back then. But now, you’ve done it. And now you can be our friend.”
3. Be named “Laziest Human Being in Any Galaxy.”
Your thought processes have changed. The stress of that deadline by 5pm has long gone and been replaced with the stress of getting off the couch by 7pm.
Random daily thought example-
“Maybe if I eat myself to death I won’t have to look for a job. I’ll be like the gluttony guy in Se7en… except super rich and not dead…oh and also super skinny and retired. Did I mention me being super wealthy without having to do anything?”
4. Begin to experience a complete mental break.
“Holy sh*t this is the worst thing that has ever happened. My rent check is due in 5 days and my cards are maxed out. I am going to be homeless. My dog hasn’t been bathed in 2 months. Wait, that’s a Roomba?”
“How am I gonna pay for anything?! That’s it. Fine. I always knew this day would come. Hand me my thigh high stilettos, I’m headed to the Gentlemen’s Club. Magic Mike had that job and a really nice apartment in the movie. I can be like him right?! I look as good as Channing Tatum… right? RIGHT???!”
“Why does he get all of the attention?!? WHY DOES ANYONE?! MARCIA, MARCIA, MARCIA!!! CHANNING, CHANNING, CHANNING!!!! Ow my nose.”
5. Give up on life.
If you touch me I will blow up every man, woman, and child in this building.”
6. Do something stupid and accidentally gain an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
You spend time around super positive people who tell you to not give up. Friends take you to do fun activities and insist on paying. You help an old lady across the street on your way to buy beer and she says ‘God Bless You My Child’.
You’ve been stretching every time you’ve watched Netflix for the past 3 months and you can finally touch your toes. You received over 50 paid likes on your Instagram selfie.
You are making very, very, ridiculously small headway in some shape or form and it is regaining your confidence in ways it shouldn’t be. Why? Because you did absolutely, positively nothing.
…….But by god, is it working!!!! Suit up!
7. You can do anything.
You start to rethink your entire career path, your goals, your traveling, budgeting, and everything else you’ve ever wanted to do. The world is your oyster. In your less than fresh mind, everything is fresh to def and you’ve just won the imaginary lottery.
You are planning an exotic vacation with funds you shouldn’t spend. You are googling “Charting a yacht to Italy” without batting an eyelash. But you are determined. You are a god. And your determination is back – thank God. You want to become BFFs with Tom Hiddleston and by God, you’re gonna make it happen.
^P.S. God is really involved in this phase.
This may be the one chance you have this much time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do, so dream big, yet realistically. Your new job could be a gateway to a new life. So get glad!
8. Remind yourself of your decision to quit in the first place.
Reassure yourself that you did the right thing for you at that time. Maybe you quit. Maybe you were fired. Maybe you just simply crawled out of a boring conference room and never looked back. You can’t go back in time and change the circumstances so you may as well move forward.
You left there for a reason but also got your job there for a reason. Take all the positive experiences from people or projects from your last job, appreciate what you learned and channel that energy into finding something that truly makes you happy.
9. Self hygiene, self love, and seeing anyone but yourself.
Take care of yourself and do a lot of positive things for your body. Do yoga. Get a facial (if you have any money). Floss. Go outside and do activities with friends. Meditate. Go out in nature. Positive mantras are always helpful. By the time you re-enter the workforce, you’ll feel better on the inside and the outside.
Find what sets you apart of the herd and makes you uniquely you. Everything happens for a reason. Take this time to discover who you are as a person, what you wanna do with your life, then go out there and kick some serious ass. And if people don’t like it… well… send them to this blog post. *Backhand sound effect*
10. Keep applying and you’ll get that job.
And this whole unemployment thing will become a distant memory (we hope).
Everyone has lulls in life. And with this lull, you’ve found a new better you on the other side. Now get out there and go see where this new path leads you!