1. The Screaming/Annoying Child
This one is pretty obvious. Babies and children are barely safe riding in a car let alone riding in a confined space 10,000 feet above ground. There is nothing anyone can do to console it. No amount of music or Xanax can help this situation.
2. The Oversharing Debbie Downer
This person can be flying to a funeral, or something really terrible is happening in their personal lives. Apparently, they thought the cost of the plane ticket included a three to five hour free therapy session. You are the unaware and unprepared therapist. There is no escape. Only more and more vodka.
3. The “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”er.
As they grip the arm rests and are struggling to inhale, you start slowly wondering if you should be doing the same. Shit.. isn’t this how the movie Final Destination began? Maybe there is something on the wing!
4. The Never-Stop-Talking “New Best Friend”
This person will stop at nothing until they know everything about you and your entire family’s history on this planet. They are desperate for human contact and starving to make any connection to you possible. They are also anxious to share where they’re flying, their hopes and dreams, work life, family situation, deepest fears, and political views. Somehow it’s been ten minutes and you’ve already learned their deepest, darkest secret of accidentally hitting that homeless man with their car seven years ago. The point is is that they will not take no for an answer and no amount of headphones or pretending to be asleep will give you refuge.
5. The Four Course Terminal Diner
This person got a hefty meal in the terminal and is now going to unwrap it and eat it in front of you. This fills you with either a. disgust as it’s distinct, fishy smell wafts through the limited air supply or b. insane jealousy as you stare blankly at the stale pretzels in front of you and watch them dive into that tasty Pinkberry.
6. The High Maintenance Neighbor
This is arguably the most disliked person on the plane. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. It’s too bright. It’s too dark. They need more pillows. They need apple AND cranberry juice, what they received is just plain apple. They’ve pushed the “Call Stewardess” button so many times, you’re shocked it’s still functioning. You feel the death stares of everyone around you as they automatically assume you’re traveling together due to your close proximity. It’s a plane. It sucks. Deal with it like everyone else.
7. The Two Seater
This person needed to buy two seats. They should be required to buy two seats. You are sitting in half a seat.
8. The Side Seat Driver
This person didn’t bring anything to do. But that’s not going to stop them from enjoying everything you brought to do! Reading a magazine? They will look over and read along with you. Brought a movie? Hope you brought two headsets cause they will be watching it! Writing in your journal about how much this person annoys you? Get ready for four more hours of awkwardness cause they’re definitely reading it. They. Will. Never. Stop.
9. The Catatonic Comotose
You’re not sure if this person is dead. They aren’t moving and their eyes are closed. Will they wake up when the plane lands? Is it your responsibility to wake them up? What if they OD’ed on something? Should you poke them with your in flight magazine? Why do you feel SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY all of the sudden!?
10. The Starer
This person isn’t sleeping. This person isn’t reading. This person isn’t even playing with their thumbs. They are staring. Straight. Ahead. At. Nothing. You don’t even see their eyes blink. This is the scariest person to sit next to on the plane. Are they planning some sort of mass murder? No one knows. Hopefully it’s just Zach Braff thinking about frenching Natalie Portman in the baggage claim and not someone creating a mental “People to Kill” list.
11. The Nasty Flirt
This person thinks your sexy… and is not afraid to let you know it. Dating has come a long way in 50 years but plane dating is not happening. Ever. Unless you can change seats and both parties choose who to sit next to, this is never going to happen. The only thing we have in common is we are both trapped in an air tight location. Gross. Just stop. Creeper.
12. The Stinker
This person is producing some type of unpleasant odor. You’re not sure if its from profuse sweating, a bad case of B.O. or just not showering for the past two weeks. You didn’t know your nostrils could experience new scents after at least 15 years of air travel. Either way, the sooner the plane lands, the sooner you can inhale the sweet smell of stale terminal air.