This post needed to be written as three of these things happened to me in one day. I am awkward. It’s not a choice. It’s not a lifestyle. You’re just born that way.
Not sure if you’re awkward? Here are 18 signs you are an awkward individual:
1. Wearing Heels=Tripping on anything and nothing.
2. You’d rather die than get up and leave in front of a conference or meeting.
It’s always for some embarrassing emergency – interrupting the presenter and putting you front and center in front of thousands of bored people.
Friendly tip: Sit in the back row. As soon as that meeting is over, you are closest to the door.
2. You are terrible with names.
When meeting someone you only focus on saying your own name correctly when you’re meeting someone new and shaking their hand. You are so worried about making a normal introduction, a simple phrase you’ve uttered well over 300,000 times, that’s all you will hear.
3. You always have a clothing malfunction.
Pants falling down. Shirts riding up. Dress getting caught on something. When models wear these items, they exude confidence and effortlessness. When you wear these items in real life, they get caught, rip open, and some how manage to flash unusually large group of people.
4. You trip, fall, and bang into things on a near hour-to-hour basis.
This is similar to #1 without heels or last night’s bender to blame it on. You always are wondering where that giant bruise on your leg came from.
5. You always think the checkout person is judging you based on what you’re buying.
Lipstick- your thin, flaky lips. Vodka- thinks you’re an alcoholic. Cassette tape player and glow sticks- thinks you’re a weird 80’s junkie and a possible sex offender.
6. You drink on a first date. Before the date… during the date… and after the date.
It’s a common misconception that alcohol is the anti-awkward potion. With the magic powers of alcohol, you anticipate you can do anything- pull Carrot Top out of an thimble or do a triple back handspring! But unfortunately, all you can do is this.
7. You accidentally drone on about yourself so people won’t notice your awkwardness.
Stop. Breathe. Listen and smile when out with family, friends, coworkers, even your mailman. Ask questions about them, their lives, and they will focus on the fact that you are being caring, not awkward.
8. You have no idea what to do with your hands when you walk or stand.
Do they go in your pockets? Arms folded? Across your chest? SWINGING THEM BACK AND FORTH?! No clue. Oh well. Might as well have fun with it.
9. Relieving yourself in a public restroom feels way too public.
Even though everyone does it, you may lose your friends, family, and dignity if there are any witnesses.
10. You care more about the food than the person you’re actually with.
I think we’re all guilty of this one.
11. You run away when you see someone you know in a public place.
Sprint out the store and do not make eye contact so you can claim you didn’t see them.
12. You are the king of excuses to get out of plans/happy hours.
13. You push the “close” button 100 times when you see someone running for the elevator.
You don’t want to be trapped with a stranger in a device that could typically break down. Talking about the weather for four minutes? No thank you. Awkwardness averted.
14. You’d rather wait in your car when a friend is late to meet you than publically sit by yourself.
Walking in alone anywhere is the equivalent of walking into Shelob’s Lair in Lord of the Rings.
15. You are a bull in a china shop in clothing stores with no china.
Everything you touches falls off the hangers. In an attempt to pick it up, more things fall. You then walk away and bump into more things that shatter. Assuming that everyone’s looking or that you’re going to be arrested, you quickly exit.
16. You make over-the-top dirty jokes.
Awkward people feel the need to overcompensate with humor. The first joke may land but then you get hyper and make super inappropriate comments. Crap.
17. You brag about knowing someone famous.
A celebrity, athlete, or really anyone recognized of the opposite sex. You may have seen them only once in passing. It’s an attempt to show how cool and not awkward you are. Guess what- I know people.
18. You hate climbing over people.
You avoid going to the bathroom for hours to avoid climbing over someone on an airplane, in a movie theater, in a conference, wherever. You may even have to wake them up. Your junk is in a strangers lap. Ahhh and everyone in the rows behind you is watching! No thank you.
You may feel you are the most awkward person alive but chances are, everyone is too busy with their own lives to notice your clumsy antics, or care. They have no idea what you’re actually thinking so if you at least try to exude classy confidence, you’re sure to have some success. We think awkwardness seethes out of our pores but the detrimental mistakes lie in the alcoholic “pours” we sustain in an attempt at normalcy. So be proud of who you are.